Tag: ampuversary

All kinds of yummy goodness…and barf, too

So last night my Woman and my Boy had pizza. She said that because the day before was my 2-week ampuversary and we didn’t do anything special, we would have a pawty last night. I had gone to the v-e-t and found that I am losing weight on my diet, so it seemed the perfect time for pizza! Evelyn and I split a slice. It wasn’t enough and we told my Woman that, but she acted like she didn’t hear. In fact, when Evelyn got right up in her grille to tell her about it, my Woman pushed Evelyn away and told her “bugger off.” That’s not very nice.

I took over then and rammed my head into my Woman’s leg over and over, trying to get her attention. She said “you’re getting back to your obnoxious self, Dakota” and told me to lay down. That’s not very nice either.

Then today I remembered that it’s almost the end of February, but it’s still February. We all know what February is, right? Girl Scout Cookie Time! I found where they’d hidden the cookies, and Evelyn and I both tried to get it open, but then my Woman saw us and took the box. Turns out my Man bought them this year and he only bought what he likes, which are Thin Mints. Well, we can’t have those because of the chocolate. My stupid Woman got us some crunchies, like she thought that would be any kind of acceptable substitute. I ate mine, but I also made a rude gesture behind her back.

That's my attempt to get it open.
Evelyn was more aggressive but alas unsuccessful.

 

When I first had my leg stolen by stealth and extreme ninja skills, my Woman was putting yummy squishy food on top of the hard stuff. She started slowly taking that away last week. I noticed. I did. But without opposable thumbs, there’s not much I can do about it. Now Evelyn and I both get chicken broth on our hard stuff. And my Woman told my Man last week that when this hard stuff is gone, she isn’t going to buy any more of it. She said she’s going to start vomiting on us! I mean, oh my dog! This woman I trained so well to be my perfect Woman is going to hurl on me! So when she barfs on me the first time, I’m going to put out a bulletin here and ask for a new family. If anyone else out there is getting barfed on, please speak up before it’s too late! If we join together, we can stop this madness. She even said it with a smile on her face. I need a new Woman.

It’s my 2-week ampuversary!

I don’t have a freakin’ clue what an ampuversary is, but my Woman told me that if I was going to write this blog (another word that sounds like something I hawked up), I should say it’s my 2-week ampuversary. I think she means it’s been 2 weeks since these nice ladies talked to me while I went to sleep and then forgot to guard me and let someone come in and chop off my leg. What’s so special about that? I think it’s a lot like D-Day, another day that will live in infamy. And I don’t trust my Woman now because that’s twice that she took me someplace and let people cut off important bits.

Anyway, I did something that amazed my Woman. You see, my Man and my Woman and my Boy got up early and then left the house really fast. Last night they were putting a bunch of stuff into bags and boxes and I know what that means. It means someone is going away and leaving me with this monkeydog Evelyn. But I never know who’s leaving, and sometimes that stresses me out a bit. I stress easily. I’m rather delicate that way. So I got nervous that I was being left. I decided to see if anyone else was here. I went upstairs to the big bedroom. I haven’t tried going upstairs since they whacked off my leg, but it wasn’t too hard, I guess. Honestly, I don’t remember how hard it was. I have a bad memory, too.

I lay down in the big bedroom and waited to see what would happen and if anyone was going to come home. And I knew that the closed door had someone behind it, someone still asleep. My Man and Woman’s other Boy is living here with his Woman. They are staying for a little while. Something about moving here and finding a house. Anyhoo, I knew that Woman was in there and she would see me when she woke up. And she did! And she was so surprised and she made funny noises and gave me lots of love. And then she had to figure out how the hell to get me down the stairs because I didn’t think that far ahead. But we worked it out.

So that’s my ampuversary story. My Woman came home without my Man. I guess he is gone for awhile. That’s ok, because my Woman is the one who knows the food trick so she’s the important one. I heard her say I should be sweet to him because he paid for the amputation, whatever that means. They’re such funny guys.

Love, D.

Me, my bed and my Boy