So last night my Woman and my Boy had pizza. She said that because the day before was my 2-week ampuversary and we didn’t do anything special, we would have a pawty last night. I had gone to the v-e-t and found that I am losing weight on my diet, so it seemed the perfect time for pizza! Evelyn and I split a slice. It wasn’t enough and we told my Woman that, but she acted like she didn’t hear. In fact, when Evelyn got right up in her grille to tell her about it, my Woman pushed Evelyn away and told her “bugger off.” That’s not very nice.
I took over then and rammed my head into my Woman’s leg over and over, trying to get her attention. She said “you’re getting back to your obnoxious self, Dakota” and told me to lay down. That’s not very nice either.
Then today I remembered that it’s almost the end of February, but it’s still February. We all know what February is, right? Girl Scout Cookie Time! I found where they’d hidden the cookies, and Evelyn and I both tried to get it open, but then my Woman saw us and took the box. Turns out my Man bought them this year and he only bought what he likes, which are Thin Mints. Well, we can’t have those because of the chocolate. My stupid Woman got us some crunchies, like she thought that would be any kind of acceptable substitute. I ate mine, but I also made a rude gesture behind her back.
When I first had my leg stolen by stealth and extreme ninja skills, my Woman was putting yummy squishy food on top of the hard stuff. She started slowly taking that away last week. I noticed. I did. But without opposable thumbs, there’s not much I can do about it. Now Evelyn and I both get chicken broth on our hard stuff. And my Woman told my Man last week that when this hard stuff is gone, she isn’t going to buy any more of it. She said she’s going to start vomiting on us! I mean, oh my dog! This woman I trained so well to be my perfect Woman is going to hurl on me! So when she barfs on me the first time, I’m going to put out a bulletin here and ask for a new family. If anyone else out there is getting barfed on, please speak up before it’s too late! If we join together, we can stop this madness. She even said it with a smile on her face. I need a new Woman.