Here’s how it happened: I was watching “Die Hard” with the fam. It was at that great ‘yippie-ki-yay’ part we all love so much when I heard an astounding kerfuffle outside! It sounded like grinding and grating and rocks smashing and all kinds of awful stuff! We all looked at each other and my Woman said, “Someone has to go investigate.” Well, it was getting late and there was a bunch of snow and it was cold, so we did rock-paper-scissors to decide who’d go. I lost. (Paper’s pretty useless for almost anything.) I took the camera.
I knew what it was as soon as I saw it. Barney. Sighing deeply and kicking myself in the butt for throwing down paper, I hauled the little bastard out and brought him inside. I dropped him into my Woman’s lap and went back to sleep. He was her problem now. She went outside and found the box he travels with. She dug around in there and found Angel Mackenzie’s Lakers scarf to wrap him in while he thawed out.
It didn’t take him long to defrost. He’s a cold-blooded little twerp, if you remember. I thought the decent thing to do was to say hello, get to know him, all that stuff. I thought maybe he was different from the way he’s been portrayed here. Right.
My Woman just happened to be there with the camera when I bared my teeth. This is what happened: Evelyn was chatting with Barney and he made a rude comment about my missing leg. I thought she made a little giggle. She swears she didn’t, but I dunno. Hence, the teeth-baring. What came next is…regrettable.
What came last was horrifying. My Woman said my behavior was, and I’ll quote, “more what is expected from a monkeybutt, so you can just be treated as if you are indeed a monkeybutt and wear Zephyr’s ears.” Thanks, Micki, for so thoughtfully including them in the Box From Hell.
I don’t know what will happen next. I am thinking, and planning. Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities for…revenge.