hi everypawdy! i think it has been a long time since i writed here but i have been bizzy. i sleep so much you knoe. but i had this awful day and i wanted you all to knoe how mean my momma lady is cuz she made the day awful. she sed it was a spaw day. liar.
i can read minds. i readed momma lady’s mind. sometimes she goes into the bafroom and i follow her and wonder what she is doing. and sometimes she goes into the bafroom and i jus knoe she wants to give me a baf. i just knoe it! so that is what happened. i readed her mind and i started shaking and she started laffing. i hated her. i got flat on the floor and turned into a cement block and then she was not laffing. i showed her. but i still had a baf. damn her.
ennyway, she had more tricks. she took me to the v-e-t. i knoe what that is. i can spell. i am akshully a bery good speller. she put me in the car and i readed her mind agin. i was shaky and shaky and shaky at the v-e-t. but gess what? i losted 5 pounds since december! that is horrible! i am not eating enuff and i try to tell her that! she will not lissen to me.
the v-e-t is ok. but i was still scared. and then the most worse thing happened. the door opened to the room and 2 wimmen came in and they tried to use a noisy thing on my nales. they tried to grind them. and i almost broked my legs getting away. so then they went and got big cutting things and they held me down. and momma lady helped hold me down. and i grumbled and made a lot of noise. i was saying so many f-words. and they did not lissen. momma lady got close to me and sed i was good and she was proud of me and i just cussed and cussed. and she is still a liar.
a fat lot of good it did me. they cut off my nales.
i got back at my momma lady tho. she took me to the hardware store and i pooped on the floor.
last year i sent my boyfren oberon a token of my infekshun affekshun. i sent him a lil red hart to wear on his coller. well gess what? at crismuss i got a present in the mail and it was from him! i think we are gaged now and maybe will get married!
isn’t this so bery citing? i am cited. are you? course you are! you all love me so much so you are cited for me!
everybody calls him obie but his reel name is oberon and that’s what i call him. his momma lady is momma karen who lived with spirit maggie the tripug. now momma karen lives with oberon and tani. and i am in love with oberon!
so here is what i got. i am such a bery lucky woman. a handsome boyfren and being in love. thank you oberon. you are so sweet.
my momma lady and i wuz talkin. well, she did all the talkin. i am a bery good lissner. i don’t do what she sez but i lissen. i am not a bery good doer. there is a diffrence. i am digressing.
momma lady sed hey evelyn you are such a good pain in the ass you should give lessons. and i thawt that wuz a grate idea! i can give any tripawds lessons on how to be the bery best pain in the ass! what do you think?
here is my rezumevitaysperiencequalifikashuns how come:
i sniffed the grandpup all the time and violated her privacy.
i sniffed her pants a lot cuz they wuz nice.
when my pop would go pee i would get in his warm spot and then i would pretend i could not hear him say move over.
i did it a lot.
i also took up too much room on the couch. my momma lady sed i oozed into her territory.
i did not respect the peeple boundries.
i made the sad eyes when the dishwasher was open cuz i hoped they would let me lick the plates. i wuz in the way all the dam time. that is what my momma lady sed.
so there you go! call me if you want lessons. i give them for free and i am vailable all the time!
the other nite i scared the humans. it was a lot of fun! we all went to bed. then i started coffing and choking. i did it on purpus. my momma lady getted out of her warm bed and watched me and talked to me and paid a lot of tention to me. i liked it. so i kept doing it. i hid from her, though, and she could not see my face and that made her worried. she opened my mouth to see if something was stuck in my throte but i did not like that. it made me barf some.
my momma lady taked me outside and i paced and paced and pretended to be rilly uncumftra, um, not feeling good. i don’t knoe how to spell it, but i pretended good. so she put me in the car and taked me to the mergency v-e-t. my plan backfired. i did not want to do that. i only wanted pets and kisses.
i was so nervus at the mergency v-e-t. shaky shaky shaky. slobbers all over the place. i had a miracle! i made the coffing stop. they still taked a picture of my lungs and neck. they said i looked fine. now please pay $250. then they say if you wanna leave her we can watch her and you can pay more money. my momma lady said no thanks i can watch her for free.
so now i am a mystery. cept my momma lady is pretty sure i was pretending and went too far. i can’t tell. if i do, i mite get in trubble.