Month: December 2011

Buh-bye Barney! You stinker, you!

Barney has been called away on a super-secret, double-ultra-important mission. He was going to stay another day but my Woman said duty calls. She said Barney is some kind of secret agent man and he is needed elsewhere–P*R*O*N*T*O. So Barney was crammed into his box and he’s flying away in the morning.

Barney stinks. He really does. I found his scent…compelling and interesting. Evelyn found it intoxicating.  Photographic proof below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we crammed Barney into the box, all of his Blackjack friends showed up to send him off. Puku, Oscar and Bandit hopped up there and did whatever it is that compulsive gamblers do when they say goodbye.

My assessment:  He’s a pain in the butt, no doubt about it. I hope he makes up for the riot he caused here. Funny thing. We were supposed to kill Barney but instead Barney made me a little nuts.  I ate Evelyn’s head and made her bleed a little. I say good riddance, purple creature.  So long, schmuck!

Barney sucks at Blackjack

Because Evelyn and I are so digusted with Barney’s behavior and riot-inciting, he has had no one to play with. Today he found some kindred spirits in my Boy’s old Webkinz animals. He invited my Boy’s dogs–a pug, a bulldog and a dachshund–to play Blackjack. I thought the pug would be the better player (pugs, as we know, are smart cookies) but it was the bulldog that cleaned house. I’m sure it cheated.

As you can see, the bulldog (Bandit is his name) had all the quarters and a 21. The pug, Puku, is just too excitable to sit still and focus. Poster child for canine ADHD. And the dachshund, Oscar (you’ll figure it out), just hates cards. Bandit is a smarter bulldog than Evelyn, and I think that’s why Barney did so badly. He expected Evelyn’s brain to show up. Anyway, Barney sucks at Blackjack.

Woohoo! We let Barney play with knives!

We paid Barney back for inciting a riot the other night. First my Woman put a sweater on him. It came from Angel Catie Catelyn and was sweeter than Barney, that’s for sure. We made him go out in the yard and cut down our Christmas tree! And my Woman gave him a Swiss army knife to do it. I hoped he’d cut his femoral artery or his jugular, but no such luck. I picked the tree. It was so big because I wanted him to be out there for a very long time. He was. He was gone overnight.  Here is the tree:

 

 

Then just to be a smartass, he cut down another tree and stacked it for splitting next summer.

 

We made Barney haul the tree to the house. He had to trim off some low branches.

After Barney brought the tree inside and made my Woman a hot buttered rum and massaged my feet and rubbed Evelyn’s belly, he got a little rest. My Woman went potty while I dozed off. He took advantage of the moment to make more trouble.

I let him have it, though. I’m faster than lightning!

He finally got done decorating the tree and we let him take a nap. What a PITA this guy has been!

Evvie and Barney sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!

I warned ’em. I told Evelyn and Barney that I would not tolerate any monkey business. I had to stay up pretty late to see what they were up to, but it was worth it.

I watched them snoring for awhile till they noticed me. Well, they didn’t notice me till they heard the camera click. They couldn’t even run after me. I think they had hangovers. I took the camera to my Woman, and she was not happy. At all. She knew Barney was a bad influence, but she found out just how bad he can be. My woman punished them both.

Barney Makes a Monkey out of Dakota

Here’s how it happened: I was watching “Die Hard” with the fam. It was at that great ‘yippie-ki-yay’ part we all love so much when I heard an astounding kerfuffle outside! It sounded like grinding and grating and rocks smashing and all kinds of awful stuff! We all looked at each other and my Woman said, “Someone has to go investigate.” Well, it was getting late and there was a bunch of snow and it was cold, so we did rock-paper-scissors to decide who’d go. I lost. (Paper’s pretty useless for almost anything.) I took the camera.

I knew what it was as soon as I saw it. Barney.  Sighing deeply and kicking myself in the butt for throwing down paper, I hauled the little bastard out and brought him inside. I dropped him into my Woman’s lap and went back to sleep. He was her problem now. She went outside and found the box he travels with. She dug around in there and found Angel Mackenzie’s Lakers scarf to wrap him in while he thawed out.

It didn’t take him long to defrost. He’s a cold-blooded little twerp, if you remember. I thought the decent thing to do was to say hello, get to know him, all that stuff. I thought maybe he was different from the way he’s been portrayed here. Right.

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Woman just happened to be there with the camera when I bared my teeth. This is what happened: Evelyn was chatting with Barney and he made a rude comment about my missing leg. I thought she made a little giggle. She swears she didn’t, but I dunno. Hence, the teeth-baring. What came next is…regrettable.

What came last was horrifying. My Woman said my behavior was, and I’ll quote, “more what is expected from a monkeybutt, so you can just be treated as if you are indeed a monkeybutt and wear Zephyr’s ears.” Thanks, Micki, for so thoughtfully including them in the Box From Hell.

 

I don’t know what will happen next. I am thinking, and planning. Tomorrow is a  new day, with new possibilities for…revenge.